Monday, March 1, 2010

The text that requires me to write

I received a text from someone I do love so much.

  • I love her as someone whom is older than me and deserve my respect highly.
  • I love her as someone whom is very close to me right from the beginning of my life.
  • I love her as someone whom has play a significant role in my upbringing
  • I love her as someone whom has help me a lot physically and also financially especially during my schoolings.
  • I love her as someone whom I can always count on whenever I am in need of advise.

Her text however perturbed and saddened me so much. It still does as I pen this down even though it’s been more than a week. I am not certain why I do want to write my feelings here when I should have just reply the text or make a phone call to her. How I wish I could sit next to her and talk face to face, but I guess… this time I’ve got to listen to Harris for not doing so. After much due consideration, YES, I have no doubt but I want to write.

Though I couldn’t expect her to read my entry, but I really hope she will and this at least lift the stone out of my chest even the slightest bit. Furthermore it is the purpose of my Blog, I want to speak my mind, not only on the sunny things but also the gloomy ones.

Why was I sent with the text?

  • Was she angry with the situation?
  • Was she trying to let anger out on me?
  • Was she wanting to let me know that she thinks I am stupid?
  • Was she wanting to let me know that she thinks I am being fooled?
  • Was she wanting to let me know that she thinks I am hypocrite?
  • Was she wanting to let me know that she thinks I should feel guilty?

For whatever reason, only she knows.
Should the reasons are of the first two, I care less. However for the later, I just have to justify myself.

I know and certain…..

  • NO, I am not stupid.
    I am a person with strong principles in my life which has built characters of my own and capable of making decision which I think suits best for myself. Among many I always train myself to see things not only analytically but also emotionally. I am grateful to Allah s.w.t that I have a good brain to analyze critically and I have a good heart full of passion that I always trust them both. If I make mistakes, it is a mistake done after full measures and I should not regret about it though at times the feelings still come to me.

  • NO, I am not being fooled.
    I am fully aware of my actions. If I want to attend an invitation dinner, I will attend no matter whom other people attend.
    On other occasion, if someone want to owe money from me, I will do only with reason I know the need to and not because of what other people might think if I don’t. If I ended up in a deep shit because of it, I only have myself responsible for my action and I should not pester others.

  • NO, I am not hypocrite.
    I never try to be a goody-to-shoes to one, say bad things of the other and acted differently when I am with any other. That is too low for me. I have put myself much way higher than that.
    Particularly for the case, I remember stating my opinion – Get a court order. Just like her, I deem what’s rightfully belong to me is entitled to me. But did I say anything bad of the other to soothe her?
    ………. I didn’t.

  • NO, I don’t feel guilty.
    With all the above, feeling guilty is not all a case.

I believe in any crisis, there will always be two sides of the story. Though I always and only listen to her story and NEVER of the other side’s, I see no point for me in taking any sides and be alliance to one.

  • Because……. it is not my battle to fight to win,
  • Because……. I am no judge or... I don't want to be the judge,
  • Because……. I am not easily influenced with any story,
  • Because……. it would be a worse situation if I do so.

The reasons I listened to any stories from anyone are, I know I have the heart of being a listener and keep things to myself. On matters that I could, I let out my opinion or advise. But if I couldn’t, I am already happy if by way of listening, one is trivial relief of what is burdening.

If she believes I should decide who is bad, who is good and it is my responsibility to outcast the bad, I would say …….. this is not Palestine and Israel war that the line is vividly clear.

Above all, I hope she accept the fact that she is someone with attitude. There’s nothing wrong with having an attitude. I for one also have my own attitude. Somehow for me, she would need to stop thinking and stop harping that people keep saying she is a bad person because many of the time WE THINK OF WHO WE ARE.

I also want her to know, I remember all of her deeds to me. Not to mention the huge ones, even the small ones are never too small for me.
She walked me to school in my early years, she wrote my name on my school books every year, she drew pictures on my art class manila card drawing folder every year, she made me the green embroidery trimming handkerchief with my name on it, she ensured I would have my favorite sardine roll as kuih raya when the others always say “cepat basi buat sardine roll, rugi….”, she paid for my extra-class tuition fee, she visited me so frequently in boarding school,
…… even the first expensive bra by my standard I had 17 years ago – a pair of RM120 cream color Wacoal was bought by her!
I am so grateful and no matter how much thank you I say, it will never be enough, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want to have the liberty for not agreeing…….. with her E.V.E.R.Y single dos because I am not stupid, I am not being fooled and I am not hypocrite.

Each one of written here represent no one but myself, anyhow I have a strong feeling that many would want to say the same thing to her. I have no intention at all to pick up a fight with this writing.
All I want ………… to always be able do the same things I always sincerely do :

  • Hope for her hands to receive both of my hands when I offer them every time I see her.
  • Hug her and kiss her cheeks every time I meet her.
  • Share stories of anything at all with her.
  • Lepak at every corner of her home unreservedly, whenever.
  • Enjoy the good food and drinks that she always has.
  • Depend on her for advises.
  • Accompanying her shopping.
  • Welcome her to my house whenever she wants to……. any day, any night, any long
  • And many-many more.........

Why?… I have no other reason than because I love her.

1 comment:

kakijalan said...

babe... i don't really understand the entry, but i hope that whatever predicament that you're in will soon go away